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5 Things to Never Say to your Struggling Child

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It’s typical for parents to equip themselves with knowledge on how to raise healthy children.  However, we are rarely knowledgeable or prepared to deal with a struggling child.

In an effort to motivate our children toward healthy behaviors and attitudes, we unfortunately and unintentionally say things that produce more shame and resistance.  Over the many years of working with families, clients have shared their perceptions and feelings about certain statements that parents frequently make.

Below are 5 statements parents often make with love and good intention, and what their child who is struggling often hears instead:

  1. “But you have so much potential!”
    What they often hear: “So why are you such a screw-up?”
  2. “If you loved us, you would stop drinking/taking drugs!”
    What they often hear or perceive: “You are doing this to us intentionally. We have absolutely no understanding of your pain or situation.  You do not love us.”
  3. “It is best not to tell anyone you have been in rehab. What happens in our family should stay in our family.”
    What they may hear: “We are so ashamed of you.  We don’t want anyone to associate you with our family. It is not okay to reach out beyond our family for support.”
  4. “You have been provided with more than most kids could ever hoped for.”
    What they often hear: “Because you have money and privilege, you have no right to have problems.  You are a failure and a disappointment.”
  5. “You brother and sister never did anything like this.”
    What they often hear: “We love them more than you because they don’t have problems.  You do not belong in our family.  Our family is wonderful except for you.”

Intention and impact are two very different things.  We all say things in fear and pain that may not be the best choice of words to share.  There is such healing and relationship mending when parents apologize to their children for statements that may have hurt them.  Empathize with them, do not justify your statements and admit you are struggling too without blaming them. There is comfort in knowing parents are human, fallible, imperfect and willing to walk beside them in their struggle.

 

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No Pressure. No Diamonds.

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By Geoff Heppes, Sports Blogger

The famous slogan “no pressure, no diamonds,” made popular by former Baylor and Washington Redskins quarterback (now currently with the Cleveland Browns), Robert Griffin III, describes how athletes cannot achieve greatness and be true champions without enduring some hard pressure. This idea definitely applies to arguably the two best Olympic athletes out of the staggering 555 that the United States sent out in swimmer Michael Phelps and gymnast Simone Biles.

First, Phelps, 31, is the most decorated Olympic athlete of all time, and possesses the most gold medals by any Olympic athlete in Olympic history. Phelps is the proud owner of 23 medals overall with 19 of them gold…currently. Currently because he will likely add to both of these large totals. While American golden boy Phelps carried out the flag leading the Americans into the Olympics, has a beautiful fiancé and child and seems very well put together overall, his past is sad and troubling.

After hauling in eight gold medals in a sweep of every event he swam in the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games, Phelps thought about walking away from swimming completely; this lead to Phelps losing his purpose in life. Phelps had a meltdown and since then accumulated two DUI offenses, used marijuana, still had not spoken to his father since he was nine years old and thought about taking his life. Then, a special friend came along and spoke to Phelps.

After talking to close friend and soon to be Hall-of-Fame Ravens linebacker, Ray Lewis (also an amazing motivational speaker and Christ-follower), Phelps turned his life around. Phelps checked into rehab and spent 45 days there and cleansed himself of temptations of marijuana and alcohol abuse. Phelps later recommitted himself to Jesus, and he also spoke to his dad and mended that relationship after decades of tension. Phelps is now swimming again for gold medals in Rio and looking better than ever.

Biles, 19, is probably the best gymnast in the world with former American Olympic great, Nastia Liukin, calling her “untouchable.” Biles most recently won gold for best female all-around gymnast, and is favored to take home up to five gold medals. Biles has competed with great power, serene grace and elite poise, but her haunting past is hard to deal with.

Biles biological mother, Shannon Biles, 44, gave Simone up for adoption when she was six years old due to Shannon’s addiction to drug and alcohol abuse. Simone and her younger sister, Adria, were put into foster care in Ohio until they were adopted by Shannon’s biological parents, Simone and Adria’s grandparents, Ronald and Nellie Biles. Simone refers to Ronald and Nellie as her parents.

Simone now has a more open dialogue with her mother, as she has been sober since 2007, and both her and her former struggling as well father, Kelvin Clemons, both are incredibly proud of their accomplished biological daughter, and have tremendous respect for Ronald and Nellie and how well they have raised Simone and Adria.

Both Phelps and Biles have overcome a tremendous amount of adversity in their lives, and are brave enough to let the world know about it; their challenges they have overcome have made them stronger than they ever could have been without it. With great support systems, hard work and dedication to their respective sports and a little pressure, these two elite athletes are true diamonds, gold diamonds might I add.

 

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“…because I am determined.”

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We’re only three days in to the Olympics and every morning is like a holiday gift waiting to be ripped open! Running. Rowing. Cycling. Volleyball. Swimming. Gymnastics. Where do we start? There’s simply no end to the athleticism on display in each new Olympic hopeful and returning competitor.

And while we’re off to a great start (as of writing this blog, the U.S. is leading with 19 medals), there have also been some horrible accidents.  Sunday took a turn for the worse when a scary crash took out leader Annemiek van Vlueten of Netherlands in the final stages of the women’s cycling road race. And then there’s the head-turning, face-cringing, scream-out-loud moment when French gymnast Samir Ait Said broke his leg on impact when vaulting during the men’s team qualifications.

From her hospital bed yesterday, Van Vleuten tweeted, “I’ll be fine,” adding, “most of all super disappointed after best race of my career.”  And what about Said? In an act of complete resolve he said in an interview, “I knew instantly that it was over. I need to accept it. So immediately, I thought about the Olympic Games in Tokyo. Not to keep hope, but because I am determined.”

“Because I am determined.” Just let those words simmer in your mind for a minute.

The man just broke his leg on the world’s stage doing what he has done thousands of times before. I can think of 313 million reasons (number of current Twitter users) why I would NEVER jump on that vault.  Yet, there he is. Planning for his next Olympic Games.

It’s true that everyone’s fitness is a journey and not a destination. And that means that at some point in our journey – like Said and van Vlueten, we’re going to fall down (hard) and get hurt. We’re going to gain the weight back that we lost. We’re going to miss a few workouts. We’re going to get injured.

Disappointment, however is not an obstacle, it’s an opportunity. The late boxing legend Muhammad Ali said of his own struggles, “I hated every minute of training. But I said, don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”  And that is what determination is. It’s doing what needs to be done, even when you don’t feel like doing it. It’s planning for the next Olympic Games from your hospital bed.

If you’re discouraged with your fitness goals, welcome to the club. You’re certainly not alone. But this is not your season to give up. Please give us a call – our Life Development team can help you stay resolute in your fitness goals. Because a healthier you, can be a happier you.

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The Heart of an Olympian

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In just a few short days the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio will begin! Athletes from around the world will take the field in their quest for the ultimate reward – the Olympic gold medal.

Their performances will seem effortless. For some, their competitions will only last a few minutes. But their preparation and training has taken a lifetime. It will be 3 weeks of high intensity, awe-inspiring athletic performance.

But for some us, it may also be a time of pause and reflection.  A time we look at these amazing athletes from the comfort of our Laz-E-Boy recliner with our bowl full of ice cream and wonder, “wouldn’t it be great to be that amazing?”

Well, let’s find out! This month, let’s channel the hopes and dreams of each Olympic hopeful into our own lives. Why? Because being active is not only good for our physical health, but our mental health as well!

Research has shown over and over again that physical exercise has enormous mental health benefits. Addictions can be replaced with a goal to finish a marathon. Anxiety can be channeled into a rigorous exercise routine. Depression can be offset with a supportive partner, coach or training group.

Finding motivation to get moving eludes even the best of us. But we don’t have to have the same schedule or resources as an Olympian to achieve incredible fitness success. We just have to have the heart of an Olympian.

Ready to change? Let the Olympic spirit fuel that readiness. Here are a few steps to get inspired:

  • TEAM UP– We don’t have to be alone in our efforts to get healthy. Find a fitness partner who shares your goals. There are running groups, cross training teams, rock climbing gyms and city leagues with all kinds of opportunities to get moving. There really can be strength in numbers.
  • REMEMBER – It can be so hard to get up at 6 am for that early morning run. But if you remember how amazing it feels when you’ve finished, you’ll be more likely to get up and get moving. This is true with any kind of physical exercise. The power of positive thinking is underrated.
  • BE INSPIRED – Simone Biles. Michael Phelps. Usain Bolt. Agile. Fluid. Fast. Find someone who inspires you; someone who’s already doing what you want to do better. There are endless sources of inspiration that you can lean on when getting off the couch seems impossible.

If you need help getting a physical routine started, give us a call. We have an excellent Life Development team who can help you set and achieve your fitness goals.