Innovation360-Dallas

Yoga and the 12 Steps

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I don’t fit in with the yoga scene. I mean, I appreciate health and homegrown, organic things. But I’m not much for silence. Being still and quiet can be tough…And then there is the stretching. I was always the athlete that got yelled at for getting injuries that stemmed from not stretching enough.

However, when I stumbled into a prenatal yoga class after being basically peer-pressured by my doctor, I found out that yoga isn’t just for yogis. And now, long after my wise MD all but shoved me down this path, I’ve realized that it’s also not just a form of exercise for pregnant women.

In fact, as I’ve allowed myself to explore this type of exercise, I’ve come to realize that yoga for me has been the missing piece. It’s always been immensely important for me to work towards living a free and abundant life. I have also chased after a theme of recovery in all areas of my existence through mind, body, and spirit; not wanting to ignore any of the three, thus becoming unbalanced.  I have sought out exercise, healthy [& delicious] eating, counseling, education, church, community, good sleep hygiene, etc… But it was yoga that finally brought the mind, body, and spirit together.

Leading a full and busy life – a new mother, a wife to an amazing man, a counselor and client advocate at Innovation360, a member of a home group at my church – I’m all about efficiency. Yoga is perfect. In one yoga class, I can focus on all three areas of mind-body-spirit. And it just may be the missing piece for your journey as well, whether you struggle with addiction, difficult relationships, depression, an eating disorder, or if you are on a spiritual journey of your own, or are purely pursuing a healthier lifestyle.

To speak specifically to one population, those walking through an addiction and/or striving towards a full life of recovery, I am grateful for yoga’s ability to address the biology, psychology, and spirituality relating to an addict. Not only does yoga provide this population with a physically healthy activity offering both flexibility and strength, but it also floods its pupils with opportunities to directly impact the struggles of an addict.

For starters, addicts often define themselves by their profound sense of being internally out of control. In my experience, yoga very directly addresses this, requiring you to become mindful, focused, centered, and internally quiet and controlled from the moment you slip off your shoes and step on your mat.

I’m also drawn to yoga’s application to the ol’ “first thought wrong” understanding of addicts – the knee-jerk, guttural, impulsive, and instinctive reaction of addicts – as it quiets the mind and teaches you to breathe through your experience. Whether that experience is a pose, the birth of a child, undesirable instruction, an uncomfortable emotion, a tough conversation, or a trigger/craving….yoga allows its students the opportunity to learn how to stay present and balanced, and also how to work through the up and downs of a given situation.

And in a manner that few other recovery approaches can offer, yoga teaches its students how to turn their focus inward to feel physical sensations otherwise unnoticed or previously ignored – to honor and recognize your body. How tattered, beaten, and ignored the body of an addict (every variety of addict – food, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex, risk…) can be!! Engaging in self-awareness and returning your thoughts to that of honor and respect and awareness of your physical self –what a gift!

As such, yoga provides a very profound detoxification. A detox of mind, body, and spirit; offering time to meditate, center, pray, and heal. This daily (or even weekly or monthly) practice for release and healing is so necessary to continue growing and moving forward in your recovery.

And last, but possibly most importantly, addiction can easily be seen as the ultimate “leaving the moment” – checking out. Yoga at its core is checking in. Checking in with the reality of your spirituality, your physical body, your breathing, your thoughts, your emotions, and your present self.

At Innovation360, we encourage our clients to add this incredibly efficient tool into their pursuit of recovery. As we work towards cultivating spiritual and physical wellness, our therapists incorporate yoga into our Intensive Outpatient Program, an 8-week program for those struggling with addiction or mental health issues.  Even while working with clients through our individualized life development, our team can help clients plug into a yoga practice, and we can practice right alongside them! No need to be nervous if it’s your first time, we will try to touch our toes with you too!

Blog written by Nicki Cochran, LPC.

Innovation360-Dallas

Tell me a Story…

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Tell Me A Story: The importance of saying YES! to your gifts…

Most nights, my daughter’s bedtime routine involves me telling her a story.  Lauren has very specific rules: the characters have to be “make believe” (no one you could meet in real life); the story can’t be a re-iteration of one she has heard before (no re-telling of Snow White cast in modern day times, for example); all the characters have to have actual names; and the story has to have a crisis or conflict that then is resolved.  Story time with her is a true test of my creativity!  I cherish these times of closeness, where she is tuned in and focused on my voice.  We lie side by side in her bed with the lights already out, and she is caressing her soft stuffed cat that’s been her “lovie” since birth.  My daughter’s responses to the stories always amuse me.  She will point out what she believes to be a character’s bad decision or a good choice. She will correct me if I get the names wrong.  She gets most upset if the story doesn’t have any real dilemma, drama, or conflict.  If that is the case, she will demand that I start over and re-tell the story to include a problem.  She is vocal in telling me that a story without a problem is “boring” and to her, it just doesn’t make sense.

The construct of a story speaks to us and moves us in ways that other forms of communication do not.  Because stories told to us aloud engage all of our senses, memory and emotions, they have power like no other means to affect not just our intellect, but our hearts as well.  Narrative Therapy helps capture that same power of story telling in order to create lasting change within us.  Over the years of working with families in therapy, I have become so encouraged by hearing each family’s unique story of strength, growth and resiliency.  When reflecting on how the family’s story has developed, I find that the crisis that has encouraged the family to seek treatment is similar to the crisis or conflict that Lauren longs for me to include in the stories that I tell her.  Over the years, I began to see a pattern of how families endure stressful times, and even grow closer together through them by being able to “make up” the story as they go…to improvise.  In fact, flexibility is one of the most important attributes of families who are resilient.

Improvising, however, is not just haphazardly and frantically trying different things to see what works. Beneficial improvising actually has a structure that facilitates its effectiveness.  I have learned more about the principles of effective improvising as I’ve participated in a local Improv Comedy class.  “Saying yes to the gifts” is one of the features of effective improvising.  Seeing obstacles, difficulties, and problems as gifts to be received and understood is an empowering perspective.  The alternative is to view distressing events either negatively or with apathy, both of which are draining to our energy and ineffective in helping us cope.  Negativity or apathy keeps the story “stuck”; nothing different happens.  Worse yet, it can add to the distress already being experienced.  So through principles of improve therapy, we want to help families understand the “bigger picture” of their story and how the current crisis can be used as a gift to help direct the next chapter of the story to a place of growth, deeper involvement in life, greater engagement with one another, and more meaningful discoveries about themselves as individuals and about their purpose as a family.  This is no easy task as it means respecting and deeply empathize with the pain and distress they are feeling, while at the same time, opening their eyes to the possibility of a crisis as a gift.  The pain deserves respect, yet it doesn’t have to be in charge of what happens next.

Going through this process with one family I worked with led them to a deeper commitment to change.  The family had been struggling with multiple addictions, trauma, conflict, and poor boundaries. A series of events resulted in their 14 year old son violating probation, which resulted in him being court ordered to Residential Treatment.  As the mother struggled through her sadness, guilt, pain and thoughts of “I must be a horrible mother for this to have happened”, we explored how her son being away from home might be a gift.  I will never forget her enthusiasm as she experienced the shift in perspective right in front of me.  She suddenly sat up straight, raised her voice, and exclaimed, “Actually, him going away has been a gift because it helped me see how unhealthy our relationship was!  So in a weird way, even his getting into trouble was a gift for us as parents!”  Because she was able to view the story in this way, she became more committed to working through relationship and parenting issues with her husband while her son was away, and continued to be committed to healthier relationship boundaries and coping mechanisms when he returned home.

To respectfully identify the “gift” of struggle and pain, the following questions can be helpful:

1)     How could this experience bring our family closer together?  How has it already?

2)     How could this experience help us learn more about ourselves?  How has it already?

3)     What is our family’s identity and what values do we find important?  How do those values shape how we want to respond to this struggle?

4)     What strengths have we used in the past that have helped us face struggles?

5)     What unique strengths does our family possess that are required to face this struggle?

6)     How could this struggle help us in areas that we may need to grow?

7)     What is the gift our family brings to others (our extended family, neighborhood, community and the larger world)? And how can this struggle help us extend the gift to others?

8)     How do we want to define the meaning of this struggle for us?

When families decide together how they want to define the pain and how they want the next chapter of the story to go, the motivation and energy they can then generate is astounding!!  And just as Lauren finds it satisfying when the crisis is resolved in the story, I am so encouraged when families begin to generate their own solutions and begin to see themselves as struggling towards growth, rather than just struggling.  Being able to use creative interventions to help families see the story more clearly, even working with families in their home, where they are most comfortable, has been an exciting new frontier for me. I am honored and encouraged as I see families face amazing challenges and rise above them, as they write new stories of healing, hope and strength.

Written by Stephanie Coker, LCSW

Innovation360-Dallas

What Are Your Blind Spots?

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What Are Your Blind Spots?

I had a great response to my last blog, Blind Faith, where I detailed my adventures as a blind woman.  It led me to think about the fact that everyone has their own “blind spots” of one sort or another. There has actually been significant research conducted regarding this topic in the business world.   But in the therapy world, we usually call these blind spots “defenses,” and we believe that identifying them can be the key to helping someone improve their personal relationships.

According to author Claudia M. Shelton,  “blind spots” are patterns of thinking, feeling and behaving that we often do unconsciously, potentially negatively influencing our relationships with others. As a counselor, I call these “blind spots” defenses. More simply, unconscious things we do that drive others crazy.  Blind Spots can become possible problems in our working processes and relationships, and if left unchecked, can become serious obstacles to our effectiveness and progress, especially in the way we relate to others.  Adolescents can easily point out the blind spots of both parents. Spouses know their partners’ blind spots intimately. What we may think people don’t notice about ourselves is usually common knowledge to those around us.

Some Truths About blind Spots

  • Every personal strength when overused has the potential of becoming a personal weakness.
  • Every personal weakness when developed has the potential to become a personal strength.
  • The environment we are in may influence seeing a personal characteristic as a strength or weakness.
  • Different people may regard what we believe are our strengths and weaknesses very differently from how we do.

 

How Does Being Unaware Hurt Us?

Being unaware of a blind spot is like carrying a time bomb. Others see our blind spot but back away when we give signals that we don’t want to hear about it. Some try to tell us that we’re doing something that bothers them, but we ignore it or become defensive. Sooner or later though, these blind spot defenses can harm relationships or prevent us from connecting well with friends, family, and co-workers.

 

What Are the Most Common Blind Spots?

  • Misused Strengths – These are strengths used too little or too much, or even used ineffectively. When I took a look at myself, I realized that some of my own core strengths could be interpreted in a negative way if I overuse them. For instance, in the work place, I often resort to humor as it comes natural to me. But if I overuse this gift, I risk colleagues perceiving me as someone who doesn’t take anything seriously. So I’m aware of how frequently I use humor, and when it’s the right setting.  I challenge you to peer into yourself…are you someone who is laid back and doesn’t get ruffled easily? Certainly that’d be a strength, as you are able to “brush it off” and not let little things alter your attitude. But do your friends view you as a doormat? Are you easily taken advantage of? Or maybe you are quite structured and organized? Great! But to the point that it’s hard for you to allow in creativity or incorporate in the ideas of others? Are people to nervous to ask you for help because they know you don’t like to alter from your daily routine and schedule?
  • Old Habits – This entails relying on behaviors that made you successful in the past that would no longer be effective. These are the most difficult to uncover because they are ways of thinking and acting that have become fixed and routine for you. Maybe you showed your love to your ex via acts of service – running their errands, taking out the trash, and ironing their clothes. But the new object of your affection just wants quality time with you and couldn’t care less about whether or not you did their laundry. Step back and evaluate what some of the engrained habits of yours might be. Maybe that route worked in the past for some time period; now you must reevaluate and alter the way you express your love, respond to your colleagues, treat your friends…whatever it might be.
  • Stress Expressed – How do we negatively express the stress we feel? How is our behavior under stress affecting others? Do you lack patience and thus snap at others quickly? If things are perfect, do we lash out? Maybe you notice that you start to speaker louder and faster when you are having a stressful day – does this make those around you anxious and not want to be in your presence? Possibly you become demanding and short tempered – and all of a sudden those around us seem more stressed. Do you act as if it’s a major interruption to your day if someone sparks up a conversation with you while you are trying to get work done? Do you tap your foot when waiting in line at the grocery store? I encourage you to reflect on how some of the things you do to manage stress may negatively affect others.
  • Unturned Radar – How do we misread other people, ignoring the non-verbal cues given and received? Are you a “close talker” – never noticing people slowly backing up as you talk to them? We’ve all had that phone conversation – the one we try and try politely to get hang up. The person on the other end just doesn’t take a hint. When you evaluate yourself, do you find there are areas in which it is more difficult for you to pick up on social cues? This can be a major turn off when relating to others. Try to be extra aware this week, what are some of the cues you might be missing?
  • Disconnection – How do we fail to communicate? Or communicate in ways that we don’t intend? What is your nonverbal language saying about your current mood? Is your sarcasm received well or are do people get offended? Do you think people can tell easily if you are not engaged or feel bored with the conversation? Are you slouched over and yawning? Try to be unbiased about the way you relate to others – for instance – when you are busy and rushed. What about the way you act towards strangers? Be conscious about how your mannerisms and nonverbal. Do you often imply ideas rather than just state them? Are you blunt or do you find it hard to express yourself? How do you think others perceive you and your energy?

 

Strategies for Identifying Blind Spots

  • Analyze yourself as if you were another person so you can depersonalize the process and be more objective.
  • Always start by analyzing your strengths; this gives you a positive outlook.
  • See your blind spots not as weaknesses but as behaviors that get in the way of fully using your strengths.
  • Gather information from others (close friends you can trust) about what they see as your strengths and blind spots.
  • Do not hesitate to ask people for information; the most confident people always ask for balanced feedback and constructive criticism.
  • Make it comfortable for people to share negative feedback with you.  Be grateful for their help.

 

Questions to Ponder

How do you define your greatest personal strength in your current work?  How might you overuse that strength in a way that it creates a blind spot that could limit your success? How do you typically act out your stress in the workplace or at home? If you identify blind spots that are creating challenges for you, consider reaching out to a therapist to help you sort through them and improve your personal and/or work relationships.

If you would like to explore your Blind Spots, go to http://www.whatsmyblindspot.com. You will be able to complete a survey and find out your Blind Spot Profile. I completed the survey and it was incredibly accurate.

Blog written by Pam Newton, LCDC

Innovation360-Dallas

Our Best Communication Tips for Couples

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 “Communication can be clear or vague, open or guarded, honest or dishonest – it can even be spoken or unspoken – but there is no such thing as “non-communication!”  In fact, virtually everything we do in the company of others communicates something. Our body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, and level of interest (or disinterest) all communicate something to the perceptive listener. In order to communication effectively and get our needs met we need to engage in both parts of the communication process: expressing ourselves and listening.” -Penny Foreman, LCSW
Tips For Communicating Well

 

In the midst of a heated argument is actually not the best time to share your concerns. You are worked up and will often say things you don’t mean. It may be best to write out your concerns in private and then share them with your spouse at a time when you feel calmer.Also consider the right time and place for communicating. It’s important to make sure you have enough time and minimal distractions to talk through everything – so don’t mention that you aren’t happy with your husbands parenting techniques or that you are “feeling lonely in this marriage” as you are rushing out the door for work…Steer clear of bringing up heavy topics when you are tired or hungry – that is a lose lose situation!

 

Don’t be mean or try to figure out who is at fault!  State your feelings honestly without being sarcastic or insulting to the other person.   Think about the impact of your words before you speak.  It is more important to talk about what you both need to do to solve the problem, rather than assign blame.

 

Stick to the issue on the table.  Don’t bring out the bag of past grievances and dump it on the table.

 

No name-calling, such as: “You are such a jerk!”  Avoid verbally abusing people.  Refrain from insults, put-downs, and expressions of disgust.

 

Don’t mind-read. If you don’t know how your partner feels or thinks, then ASK.

 

Incorporate positive statements and compliments along with your complaints.  This will soften the blow of any complaints or concerns and make your partner less defensive.

 

Remember you only have control over changing yourself, not others. You don’t have to wait for your partner to change.  You can go first!

 

Leave others out. Don’t bring other people into the discussion, such as:  “Even your brother thinks you are selfish!”

 

Avoid starting a sentence with “you”.  It sounds like an accusation or an invitation to fight (which it usually is!).  Stick to “I” statements.  Try the XYZ model for this type of communication:

  • I feel X
  • when you do Y
  • in situation Z
  • For example:  “I feel hurt when you criticize me when we are with our friends.”

 

To become a more effective listener, try some of these techniques:

 

Listen…don’t talk!  Be quick to listen and slowwwww to speak. Don’t interrupt mid-sentence. And listen to understand, rather than spending the time preparing for your defense.

 

Try to empathize.  Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes as you listen.

 

Think before you say anything in response, especially if you are having a strong emotional response.

Remember feelings are neither right nor wrong.  Your partner is the expert on his or her feelings and those feelings are their present reality. Feelings are not facts, but they are essential in understanding why your partner is responding to you in certain ways. You can spend a lot of time arguing about the facts and completely discount your partner’s feelings

 

Be aware of non-verbal signs and clues (both your own and your partner’s).  These include shrugging your shoulders, your tone of voice, crossing your arms, nodding, avoidance of eye contact, rolling your eyes, facial expressions, etc.

 

When responding, let your partner know that you heard what he or she said by using a feedback technique and restating what you heard.  Say something like “I think what you said was…” or “Do you mean that…”or “I understood you to say….”.

 

Listening and responding with concern and understanding of your partner’s feelings is often all she or he may need from you.

 

Don’t give advice unless asked for it, but be prepared to do some problem solving, if that is what your partner requests.

 

Most importantly, remember that all couples have their share of problems.  You are not always going to see eye-to-eye on things, but if you know how to communicate effectively, with kindness and respect, you can get through disagreements with positive outcomes and the love intact!

 

Written by Lauren Barnett, Director of Marketing

Innovation360-Dallas

5 Ways to Effectively Address Conflict

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Recently, one of our clients (we’ll call him Jeff) had the opportunity to address a conflict with a friend of his. Jeff completely disagreed with the way his buddy was handling a situation.  But rather than speaking directly to his friend, Jeff gathered 4 other buddies who agreed with Jeff that his way was the better way. Together they confronted Jeff’s friend—guns blazing. When his friend became defensive and rejected their intervention, Jeff was bewildered and grew angry, swearing that the friendship was over.

As this example shows, conflict is a reality in our relationships. It’s inevitable. We face conflict daily, from a disagreement with a co-worker or boss, to an argument with a friend or spouse. There is plenty of day-to-day tug of war happening around us. We are imperfect people, living in a world where much is out of our control. If you are like me, sometimes you do not handle conflict well… okay, I’ll be honest; it’s most of the time.

So, how do we effectively address conflict in a way that the other person will be receptive, promote understanding and resolution of the issue, and foster a closer connection? The following is a list of 5 things that may help positively change your approach to conflict so that it is fruitful:

1. Explore Your Family of Origin – Think back to your childhood for a minute. How did your family deal with conflict? Did your father, mother and sibling(s) tend to avoid it, address it through a third-person, or address the issue with the person directly? And, how did they engage? Did they wait until emotions calmed and approached you gently, or was their an immediate reaction and accusatory approach? Did family members tend to “bottle it up” until a seemingly tiny incident totally set them off? Who can you relate to the most? Chances are, after answering these questions you will begin to see consistent relational patterns. Exploring this may give you valuable insight into how you currently view and engage in conflict.

2. Take a Personal Inventory – Now, here comes the hard part. Time to focus on you. Ask, “How do I respond to conflict?” When someone hurts you, how do you initially react? What is your typical coping mechanism or way of managing painful emotions? How do you work through the issue with loved ones, with classmates or colleagues at work? When you hurt someone, how do you initially react when they approach you to talk about it? How do you typically work through the issue with them? There are many questions here, but I encourage you to take your time and write down your answers. You may be surprised at what you discover.

3. Take Personal Responsibility – Ultimately, you cannot change other people. You can only be open to change yourself. When you focus on someone or something that is out of your control, you feel powerless. By focusing the conversation on what the other person is doing wrong, you will likely elicit a defensive response. However, when you switch your focus to yourself and what is in your realm of responsibility, you will feel more at peace. By focusing the conversation on what you are responsible for, your own thoughts, emotions, and actions, you will likely elicit a receptive response. You are responsible for yourself first.

4. Identify and Communicate Your Thoughts and Emotions – When you can differentiate between your thoughts and emotions during a conflict, you are less likely to be influenced by your emotions in the moment, and more likely to calm your emotions in order to think and effectively work through the situation with the other person. This is not easy—for anyone. It takes practice to develop this skill. One way to practice is to track the major events (good or bad) of the day, listing them in a journal. Thinking back to a specific event, describe your thoughts (message you received from the other person’s actions) before, during and after the event. Next, your emotions (e.g. excitement, joy, fear) before, during, and after. Finally, your actions before, during, and after. The tracking may look like this:

Event

Thoughts

Emotions

Actions
1.
2.

 

As you practice this skill of differentiating, you will recognize your patterns of relating. Once you can identify your thoughts and emotions in the moment, you can communicate them to the other person. Here is a simple but useful way to address the issue with another:

“When you do ___________ I think it means (your thought) and I feel (your emotion), so I’m asking you to do ___________, and/or I’m going to __________.”

The idea is to practice deliberately separating emotions vs. thoughts so you can more clearly communicate.

5. Set Clear Boundaries – In times that you have been hurt, or even when you have hurt another, setting a clear boundary is of paramount importance. The last two blanks above are an example of setting a boundary. Boundaries help protect yourself and others, while making it easier to enjoy the relationship. So how do you know what is in your control, and what is not, in order to set a boundary? Your relationship with God can provide the answer to such a difficult question. When trusting and yielding to His will, you may find that you will learn more about yourself, and He will teach and guide you through a situation. The serenity prayer speaks to this: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.” In addition, you may seek wise counsel from a family member, close friend, minister or mentor. This person can provide much needed guidance on what course you can take.

Now this is not meant to replace the need and benefit that can come from talking to an objective therapist about more complicated or painful issues that arise in life. It is also not meant to apply to circumstances such as abuse or neglect. If this ever occurs, please contact the authorities or an outside third party that can provide immediate help.

Here at i360, we believe change occurs in the context of relationships. We offer a variety of ways to address the conflict in our lives that so often plague us. Our various support, process groups, and counseling opportunities provide a safe environment, and help mimic a real world experience that allows clients to experiment with new behaviors, learn how a variety of people perceive them, and explore different styles of relating. The groups and workshops we offer provide a great opportunity to place the client directly in a community of a diverse group of people. Here, not only do clients learn how to meet their therapeutic goals together, but they also learn how to address conflict in different, more effective ways so that they can carry these skills forward into future relationships—and ultimately live more satisfying and fulfilling lives.

Written by Mitch Isle, LPC & Client Advocate

Resources:

  • Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
  • Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert
  • Understanding Group Psychotherapy by Irvin D. Yalom
Innovation360-Dallas

Facing Difficult with Simple

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I love the story about the ancient leader who had a really terrible case of leprosy.  Someone who worked on his staff knew of a man who could possibly solve his problem and heal him. The leader packed up gifts, food, and other “wow” factors to win the favor and wisdom of the man with curative skills. A slight problem arose when the leader who had traveled far and wide finally arrived in the town of the healer. Instead of meeting the healer himself, he was greeted by the healer’s administrative assistant. What?!  He was not going to walk outside of his office to greet this famous leader? No, he sent word instead. And the word was this: go to the local river and dip in the water seven times to be healed. This river was known for being filthy. The leader was furious and ready to head home disappointed, angry, insulted, and embarrassed.  This wasn’t at all what he expected. However, his staff member asked him if he would have done a more difficult task than taking a plunge into a river in order to heal had he been asked? Maybe he thought that just because it seemed so simple meant that it couldn’t further him along in his healing. After thinking about that for a moment, the leader made his way to the dirty river, dipped seven times, and came out of the water completely well.

How many things do we avoid doing because they seem too simple to effect change? In reflecting on this, I came up with areas where simple might be a great solution to difficult.

Take Deep Breaths

Getting a fresh dose of oxygen to the brain can be a helpful tool when learning how to stop distorted thoughts, change thinking patterns, and manage anger and destructive responses. When we get angry or scared we have a tendency to take shallow breaths or even hold our breath slightly. This limits the oxygen available in the blood supply and thus to the brain. Our brains need rich oxygenated blood to fire more efficiently and effectively.  It really is a simple way to help our brains function better as we process something difficult.

Connect and Join

So often we avoid connecting with or joining a group or friend for fear of being vulnerable. However, connecting authentically with someone creates an opportunity for empathy and deeper relating. Getting close to others can feel as though our fears and flaws are exposed. But avoiding community can hinder the change we desire in ourselves and in others. Connecting can be as simple as listening to someone’s uniqueness and finding a way to identify with them. As a mother of eight and grandmother to eighteen, I find that connecting to family members can be as simple as listening to their favorite song and talking about why they like that song. It is a pathway to communicating that is actually quite simple.

Shift Perspective

How we view a situation can be a simple pathway to healthier relationships. Recently I was delayed in the Denver airport with my daughter, her husband, and their nine year old, six year old, and four month old. Upon hearing about the delay, the nine year old burst into tears and began to fret about work that would be missed the next day at school. The six year old sat quietly for a moment while his brother worked himself into a frenzy. After about 15 minutes, the six year old announced that this was the “best day of his life!” He decided that the Denver airport was a GREAT place to have his next birthday. He wanted to entertain his friends at the smoothie store, the chocolate store, and the store where they sold bears, knives, and slingshots. He finished his party plans with the observation that the  “moving sidewalks” were far better than a bounce house! The nine year old knew he would have make up work, but the six year old’s perspective helped relieve the immediate attention on the negative.  Shortly after planning a fun birthday event, we all talked about the way to approach the work that would be missed. Perspective is a simple way to approach a difficult situation and begin the resolution process.

The next time something difficult presents itself, don’t hesitate to try a simple technique or tool to begin the journey to change. It may not be simple the whole way, but simple things can get us started and keep us focused on the big picture while we work to see change in our own lives and the lives of those around us. It only takes the first step, however simple the task may be….

Written by Lila Long Pond, M.A., LPC at Restoration in Fort Worth

Lila Long Pond is a therapist at Restoration in Fort Worth and Dallas. She and her late husband have raised eight children and blended a family over the past thirty-six years. She also has eighteen grandchildren and two great grandchildren. As a mother of a blended family of eight, she is passionate about breaking the cycle of hurt that is so often generated in blended families.

Innovation360-Dallas

Talking to Children about a Parent’s Addiction

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An astounding 28 million people are children of alcoholics. These kids are four times more likely to become an addict themselves, and yet as scary as those stats are, addiction isn’t being talked about in most homes. At Innovation360, we host the Betty Ford Center’s Five Star Kids Program which teaches children that “it’s not your fault” – your dad’s drug problem, the family’s breakup, your parents’ shaky relationship, your mother spiraling out of control.  Children are usually the first hurt and the last helped in the midst of the disease of addiction.  The Five Star Kid’s Program helps create the best possible opportunity for healing for the whole family. This is an invaluable program opportunity for children of addicts, but we still want to address the issue of why this disease isn’t being brought up in conversation at home?

In this article, Dr. David Sack, CEO of Elements Behavioral Health, has brought to light what parents, teachers, and other adults can say to children to explain this cunning disease. Click here to read how you can approach the subject of addiction and recovery with young kids who have been exposed to a very dark potentiality. We especially liked the Seven C’s of Addiction that children need to know:

    • I didn’t Cause it.
    • I can’t Cure it.
    • I can’t Control it.
    • I can Care for myself
    • By Communicating my feelings,
    • Making healthy Choices, and
    • by Celebrating myself.

 

We hope you found the article helpful. Remember, if you or a loved one struggles with addiction or mental health issues, reach out to us. We want to help you establish a healthy and fulfilling life – drug and alcohol free. Article Resource: David Sack, M.D. is board certified in psychiatry, addiction psychiatry and addiction medicine. He is CEO of Elements Behavioral Health, a network of mental health and addiction treatment centers. This article was written in the Huffington Post on 1/31/13: How to talk to a Child about a Parent’s Addiction. 

Written by Lauren Barnett, Dir. of Marketing

Innovation360-Dallas

Overcoming Procrastination: The Art of Conquering Your To-Do List

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Federal tax returns must be postmarked every year by April 15th.  Although Kathryn is acutely aware of this deadline, if she wasn’t, the Statue of Liberty mascots and inflatable advertising balloons various tax preparation services place on virtually every corner would, no doubt, alert her to the impending deadline.  It’s not that she doesn’t know when her taxes are due each year; it’s just that she detests doing them!  She has a full 365 days to gather her receipts, documents, and papers, and organize, itemize, and deliver them to the accountant in time to meet the 11:59 PM deadline on April 15th.  Nevertheless, every year Kathryn—and the rest of the people making the late-night run to the post office—waits until the absolute last minute to file her federal tax return.  What’s worse, she makes herself miserable in the process!  She stresses about doing her taxes for weeks preceding the deadline as she transfers the word “taxes” to each new day’s To Do list.  Kathryn feels guilty each weekend that passes without making any progress on her taxes.  But it doesn’t have to be that way!  Given that procrastination is a problem that effects so many of us, here are a few concrete strategies to help us tackle those issues we dread, just in time for tax season.

  1. Discover why you procrastinate – While there are many explanations for why we procrastinate, the three most common reasons are: fear of the task, dislike of the task, or lack of knowledge about how to perform the task.  Figuring out the reasoning behind our procrastination enables us to break the cycle and tackle the task head on.
  2. Figure out how to do the task, how to make it more enjoyable, or why you fear it. – For tasks you don’t know how to do, conduct a bit of research.  Do a web search, check out Youtube for a tutorial, or enlist the help of a friend, relative, neighbor, or professional with knowledge or expertise of the task.  For a task you know how to do but just don’t want to do, think of creative ways to make it more enjoyable, challenging, or interesting.  For example, create a feel-good environment by lighting candles, preparing a snack, and turning on music or your favorite TV program before sitting down to organize and file your receipts.  Challenge yourself by making a game of it or by setting a timer and seeing how fast you can get it done.  Estimate the amount of time you think something will take you and see if you can beat your own estimate.  For those tasks you avoid out of fear, make a list of what you fear about the task, what the worst possible outcome could be, and develop a plan of attack for those outcomes.  Then, make a note of the potential consequences for avoiding the task and not doing it.  Finally, anticipate how you will feel after completing the task and compare the lists.  Often, the result of not doing the task is much worse than whatever you fear about doing the task.
  3. Timing is everything – Break the project down into manageable sections and schedule a date and time for each step.  Sometimes, the first step will be to gather all the materials or tools required for the task.  Often, just getting organized and creating a clear vision of the steps for the task is enough to get you going.  If not, write out the steps in sequence and enter the deadlines for each step of the task in your agenda or your mobile phone’s calendar, and post reminders on sticky notes in prominent areas where you will constantly be reminded of the impending deadline.  If the task is one that requires focus and concentration, schedule it at the time of day when you are most alert and energetic.
  4. Be good to yourself – Make a list of things and activities you enjoy, places you want to visit, and friends with whom you enjoy spending time.  Assign one of these rewards to each step in the process of your task.  After gathering your receipts, for example, treat yourself to a coffee break, game of tennis, movie, relaxing bath, or phone call to a friend.  Reinforcing the desired behavior in this way will make it more likely you will tackle the next step in the process.
  5. Recruit an accountability partner – Enlist the help of a trusted friend, colleague, or family member.  Explain the task you have been putting off, the steps required to complete the task, your self-imposed deadlines, and the rewards you have outlined for each step completed.  Ask your accountability partner to either join you for a work session (sometimes, just the mere presence of someone—even if that person is working on something completely different—can generate productivity) or to call, text, or email you for progress updates.  Most of us would rather let ourselves down than another person, which makes this an incredibly powerful motivator!
  6. Develop routines and habits – Putting things off doesn’t make them go away, but getting things done does!  There are immediate benefits from tackling a task and completing it:  completion generates energy, makes us feel competent, and improves our mood.  Learning to implement habits by associating new behaviors with those that are part of our regular, daily routines is extremely beneficial and can prevent tasks from snowballing and getting out of hand.  For example, most of us remember to get our mail every day.  Therefore, if we link the activity of filing the day’s receipts to the activity of opening our mail, and do it every day immediately after opening the mail, we can very effectively make receipt filing a habit.  Taking 3 minutes every day to file a handful of receipts after opening the mail is far easier, less time consuming, and infinitely less daunting than waiting until a year’s worth of receipts has accumulated into a pile the size of Mt. Everest.
  7. We all procrastinate to some extent every now and then – For Kathryn, taxes are her nemesis, but what is it for you?  Take a few minutes to write out a plan for dealing with the task you are most prone to put off as long as possible.  Identify why you procrastinate, strategies for figuring out how to accomplish the task or how to make it more interesting, what steps are involved in the task and when you will complete each of the steps, how to reward yourself when you follow through with your plan, and who can help hold you accountable for sticking to the plan you’ve created.  Remember, if you fail to plan, you plan to fail!  So stop putting off until tomorrow what can be done today.  Tackle that To Do list and reward yourself along the way!
Innovation360-Dallas

Today does not have to take second place to the possibility of tomorrow: Overcoming “Stuckness”

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Will I ever change?

“I’m tired of always struggling with the same stuff. I’ve been working on these issues for over a decade of my life. Will it ever end? If the answer is no, then why even bother to work on it in the first place?”

It was with these pointed, rhetorical questions that a fellow therapist started our conversation the other day. “Oh, friend,” I thought to myself, “If only you knew how many times I have asked myself these very questions regarding my own struggles.” The truth is that these fleeting, nagging doubts occupy my mind more often than not.

  • Will I ever learn how to let go?
  • When will I be able to leave these past mistakes behind and no longer be constrained by them?
  • What will it take for me to give up these old ways of coping that I know without a doubt will not take me where I want to go?
  • At what point in life will I become the person I want to be so I can enjoy my own company when all distractions are gone?
  • When, when, when?…

As a therapist, I make my living helping people change, coaching them into this mysterious process whereby they are morphed into healthier, more satisfied, and fuller versions of themselves. And yet… Here I am confessing that I myself struggle with lack of change in my own life. Isn’t that like a driver who admits to not knowing how to drive or a carpenter who does not quite know how to build things?

Not quite so.

My clients have taught me that struggling with change is an essential part of the human journey. In our own way, we all long for the day when things will change—our circumstances, our loved ones, and especially ourselves. Craving change and feeling stuck is not something that automatically goes away based on one’s occupation, IQ, age, or even—dare I say it—bank account. Stuckness, as I call it, is an equal opportunity foe.

But here is the good news: we don’t have to wait until “it” changes (whatever your “it” may be) before we can start enjoying life or living it purposefully. This is, in fact, one of my utmost goals for both my clients and me—that we all learn how to live fully in the present even when situations outside of their control remain the same. To do otherwise is to neglect the present while waiting for a future that may never be. The mother of the alcoholic teenager can learn to find meaning and to take care of herself even though her son is struggling. The single young adult can pursue his interests and develop a rich life while still longing for a romantic partner to fill that hole in his heart. I can enjoy the close relationships I have now, at this moment, around me, even though I am thousands of miles away from my family and friends in Brazil.

Just to make myself clear: accepting the present does not mean that I quit fighting for a different future. To embrace my stuckness is not the same as settling or giving up.

You see, stuckness is OK. It’s just a feeling. And as with all feelings, it comes and goes. No feeling stays forever. The key to being able to move on and change while feeling stuck is this: learn to embrace the tension between letting yourself feel…while not letting your emotions control you. This requires learning how to live in two places at once. On the one hand, it is good for me to take a close look at my stuckness when it surfaces in my heart: What’s prompting it? What other feelings are connected with it? What is this stuckness telling me I cannot do? How is it trying to limit me? At the same time, while acknowledging the longing for what is not, I must also reconnect with my values and dreams: What kind of person do I want to be today, at this moment? What is important to me now? What values do I want to pursue today for my relationships, my life, and myself?

In the end, our options are really quite simple (though not necessarily easy). We can wait until things change before living the life we want… Or we can learn how to live said life even when we are feeling stuck.

When I become mindful of my present while still staying committed to my priorities, I learn that change happens even when there is no change. We can grow even when feeling stuck. Today does not have to take second place to the possibility of tomorrow. And if you are feeling stuck, I’d advise that you seek professional counseling which can help guide you down a more joyful and fulfilling path.

Written by Joa Braga, LPC-S

Innovation360-Dallas

Fighting Fair: 10 Tips for Couples

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Whether you have been married for 30 years or in a serious relationship for 3 months, conflict is difficult.  Many of us were raised without role models or even a template for “fighting” with our significant other. Many of us grew up with parents who brushed everything under the rug or punished each other with silence.  Some of us experienced the opposite:  yelling, blaming, shaming, all with no resolution.  When it comes to arguing though, it is a good idea to have some rules in place, and to establish and agree upon them before those arguments even occur.  This can help you come to an agreement more quickly and avoid unnecessary hurt feelings and resentments.  Listed below are some good rules to discuss.  If these don’t fit your “coupleship,” find some others that do.

1.  No blaming.  It distracts you from the problem at hand and illicits defensiveness from your mate.  “It’s your fault I come home late because I don’t want to come home to your bad mood.”

2.  Never start your sentences with “You.”    The other person is automatically on the defensive.  You will benefit greatly by starting your sentence with the word, “I.”   i.e., “I feel so angry when you stay out late and don’t call.”  “I feel so scared when you drink and drive.”

3.   No name calling or degrading language.  When you intentionally verbally injure your partner, you are telling them they are not safe with you.  Sports have rules to prevent injury.  So should marriage and relationships.

4. Never use the word always.  No one ever does anything every time and always. These statements are too eternal.  “You always forget our anniversary!”

5. No yelling.  Couples have different definitions of yelling based upon their own family. If your spouse experiences your statements as yelling, then it is indeed yelling.  Perception is everything when it comes to arguing. Be aware of the volume of your voice.

6.   No use of force.  Pushing, shoving, cornering, and certainly hitting or slapping is completely and totally unacceptable and against the law.  Do not let anger take over and spiral into violence.

7.   No talk of divorce or splitting up.  In an argument, talk of divorce or leaving is usually manipulative.   It can quickly erode your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship and truly leave deep scars.

8.  No walking out or leaving.  When necessary, use time-outs.  It can give you much needed perspective.  “I am not leaving, but I need 10 minutes to calm down.” Don’t just get up and disappear.

9.  Stay in the present.  Do not drag events of the past into the present.  Resist the urge to use this occasion to bring up other issues from the past.  We can’t change the past; only the present.

10.  Take turns speaking.  Let one person speak at a time.  When one is speaking, the other should be listening…really listening.  Avoid the urge to be planning your rebuttal.

Also keep in mind, It is never good to argue at the end of the day when both of you are tired.  Similarly, it doesn’t work to argue on an empty stomach.  Definitely, do not argue when one or both of you have been drinking alcohol.

It is hard not to try to win an argument.  Many times we just want to be right and we can spend endless hours and emotions trying to accomplish this.  It does not solve anything and creates more distance in the relationship. When arguing within a relationship, consider this theme: “You don’t win, I don’t win….We win.” It’s not all about winning or being right. Sometimes working so hard to ‘win’ can damage the relationship beyond repair, and then you both lose. If you and your loved one are struggling and seem to argue frequently with no resolutions, you may want to consider your own “fair fighting” rules.  If you feel that you need help with this, contact a therapist who specializes in couples’ counseling.   It truly helps to have a safe, neutral space to solve differences and to have an objectives party assist you in processing the issue.

Blog written by Pam Newton, MA, LCDC. Pam provides individual and group counseling with a focus on addiction and recovery for families. Pam also spearheads educational groups for clients, families and community members focusing on the unique challenges often paired with addiction and recovery.