Fighting Fair: 10 Tips for Couples
Whether you have been married for 30 years or in a serious relationship for 3 months, conflict is difficult. Many of us were raised without role models or even a template for “fighting” with our significant other. Many of us grew up with parents who brushed everything under the rug or punished each other with silence. Some of us experienced the opposite: yelling, blaming, shaming, all with no resolution. When it comes to arguing though, it is a good idea to have some rules in place, and to establish and agree upon them before those arguments even occur. This can help you come to an agreement more quickly and avoid unnecessary hurt feelings and resentments. Listed below are some good rules to discuss. If these don’t fit your “coupleship,” find some others that do.
1. No blaming. It distracts you from the problem at hand and illicits defensiveness from your mate. “It’s your fault I come home late because I don’t want to come home to your bad mood.”
2. Never start your sentences with “You.” The other person is automatically on the defensive. You will benefit greatly by starting your sentence with the word, “I.” i.e., “I feel so angry when you stay out late and don’t call.” “I feel so scared when you drink and drive.”
3. No name calling or degrading language. When you intentionally verbally injure your partner, you are telling them they are not safe with you. Sports have rules to prevent injury. So should marriage and relationships.
4. Never use the word always. No one ever does anything every time and always. These statements are too eternal. “You always forget our anniversary!”
5. No yelling. Couples have different definitions of yelling based upon their own family. If your spouse experiences your statements as yelling, then it is indeed yelling. Perception is everything when it comes to arguing. Be aware of the volume of your voice.
6. No use of force. Pushing, shoving, cornering, and certainly hitting or slapping is completely and totally unacceptable and against the law. Do not let anger take over and spiral into violence.
7. No talk of divorce or splitting up. In an argument, talk of divorce or leaving is usually manipulative. It can quickly erode your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship and truly leave deep scars.
8. No walking out or leaving. When necessary, use time-outs. It can give you much needed perspective. “I am not leaving, but I need 10 minutes to calm down.” Don’t just get up and disappear.
9. Stay in the present. Do not drag events of the past into the present. Resist the urge to use this occasion to bring up other issues from the past. We can’t change the past; only the present.
10. Take turns speaking. Let one person speak at a time. When one is speaking, the other should be listening…really listening. Avoid the urge to be planning your rebuttal.
Also keep in mind, It is never good to argue at the end of the day when both of you are tired. Similarly, it doesn’t work to argue on an empty stomach. Definitely, do not argue when one or both of you have been drinking alcohol.
It is hard not to try to win an argument. Many times we just want to be right and we can spend endless hours and emotions trying to accomplish this. It does not solve anything and creates more distance in the relationship. When arguing within a relationship, consider this theme: “You don’t win, I don’t win….We win.” It’s not all about winning or being right. Sometimes working so hard to ‘win’ can damage the relationship beyond repair, and then you both lose. If you and your loved one are struggling and seem to argue frequently with no resolutions, you may want to consider your own “fair fighting” rules. If you feel that you need help with this, contact a therapist who specializes in couples’ counseling. It truly helps to have a safe, neutral space to solve differences and to have an objectives party assist you in processing the issue.
Blog written by Pam Newton, MA, LCDC. Pam provides individual and group counseling with a focus on addiction and recovery for families. Pam also spearheads educational groups for clients, families and community members focusing on the unique challenges often paired with addiction and recovery.
What is Love?
Around Valentines Day, the word “love” gets thrown around constantly. It’s on balloons, cards, candy and flowers. While there is so much focus on the romantic and commercial idea of love, it’s helpful to look at what love actually means. The Roxbury Guys from SNL spent countless nights pondering the question, and, no doubt, many of us have as well. My experience as a counselor working with couples and families has given me some good examples of things that are and aren’t love. These are examples from romantic relationships as well as friendly and family ones. Identifying what does and doesn’t represent love will not only help us avoid some of the pitfalls, but also teach us better ways to love well.
Not Love
- Giving in to Every Demand – This can be a tough one. It might look like love to give someone what he or she always wants, but eventually, you’ll look more like a doormat than a person. You have the right to be assertive and vocalize your requests, too.
- Buying Gifts – I’ve worked with many families who are very well off and find it easy to give into the temptation of giving gifts instead of time. When you miss your dinner date because you instead had to work late, and you bring home flowers thinking that it portrays how much you love her, that is not love. Instead of spending your time and energy doing things, planning fun activities, or experiencing life with your family or significant other, you instead give a material gift that requires you spend money, that is not love. Don’t confuse your presence with something you can buy.
- Sex – That’s right. Sex. You may have sex with someone you love, but just because sex happens does not mean love exists. If you’re trying to show you love someone only through sex, it’s time to get more creative.
- Romantic Gestures – Just doing something romantic does not equate to love. Often we expect something in return for this and it can lead to resentment when we don’t receive it. Just because you are romantic does not mean you love the person, regardless of what romantic comedies tell us.
- Flattery – Telling someone what you think they want to hear may tickle their ears, but they will start to sniff out the flattery eventually. It also comes with the added bonus of having to experience actions/words/foods you don’t enjoy because you’re not honest about your true feelings. Along Came Polly comes to mind. Ben Stiller’s character, who suffers from IBS which is set off when he eats ethnic food, continues to go with Polly to her favorite Indian restaurant and is quite miserable afterwards, hiding it though, going along with whatever she wants because “he loves her taste” in restaurants…Don’t be that person.
Love
- Dedication – Love has everything to do with commitment and perseverance. If you love someone, be willing to stick with him or her through mistakes and tough times. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side, “just another shade of brown.”
- Setting Boundaries – In contrast to being a doormat, setting boundaries with others reminds them we have self-worth. It is also a great example for them to have their own boundaries, which helps keep both individuals healthy. And to be able to better name your limits, tune into your feelings – when you feel discomfort or resentment, that is a sign that you need to set boundaries. “If you put your dirty clothes in the hamper by 9:00 Saturday morning, I’ll be happy to wash them for you.” Setting clear expectations is a display of love as you are vocalizing your needs and hearing theirs too.
- Doing What’s Best for Them – Sometimes the most loving thing we can do for someone is let them experience life without absorbing the blow for them. It’s hard for us to learn perseverance without struggle. Be there for them, but don’t necessarily do for them. “I love you and I’m not willing to call in sick for you when you’ve been drinking.”
- Speak Truth (Out of Love) – Tougher than it sounds. That doesn’t mean you should always say what you are thinking. Before speaking truth, ask yourself if you are doing it to help the other person or to hurt them. Sometimes saying something honestly will hurt in the short term, but help in the long term. Before you speak, THINK. Is it True, is it Helpful, is it Inspiring, is it Necessary, is it Kind?Love is certainly more complicated than these few examples, but in this season of lovey-dovey everything, let’s keep a little perspective on what true love looks like. Love is not easy. Love is not bought. Love can’t be earned by getting run over. Love seeks the best for others, and for us. Love displays itself through healthy and well-rounded relationships.But you might still want to make sure you buy those flowers!
Written by Michael Sweeney, LPC. If you or a loved ones is seeking therapy for your family or marital concerns, please contact us at Innovation360.
Accepting and Experiencing Freedom
If you are anything like me, you are probably juggling what feels like a million things between a full time job, school, family, and of course the to-do lists – – the ones that just grow longer each time you cross something else off. With all of the busyness in a day, it is easy to get put off by others who are having a bad day or making choices that affect you or to simply get overwhelmed with all that your day entails. At the end of the day don’t we wish that we could simply be free of negativity and the stress of a crazy schedule? What I have truly learned in the last couple of years is that acceptance is the key to freedom.
On a daily basis we each have the opportunity to choose how the day will play out. Now don’t get me wrong, we all have bad days where things seem impossibly unfair; but in those same moments, we still have the choice to enjoy an outlook that allows us to have a good day despite the uncontrollable situations in life.
I know it’s much easier said than done. I am one who struggles with this every day. But I choose to refuse to let actions of others, (driver who cut me off, or the rude checkout lady at the store) take away the peace and joy that I otherwise get to experience during the day. I promise, it gets easier each time that I choose to not get frustrated with the things that I cannot control. I can accept those things as “life” – sometimes life doesn’t play out the way we plan or as smoothly as we’d like it to – but the more I accept life as it presents itself to me each day, the more free I can be to experience peace and appreciation…and freedom from pessimism.
I dug deeper within myself while teaching my six year old this very lesson.
I challenged her to choose to have a good day even though she was not going to spend the night with her cousin. She was mad that the answer was no, so she refused to get out of the car to play on the playground as we had planned. I simply gave her two choices: stay in the car and choose to be mad, or get out and enjoy your day! She actually chose to stay in the car; she is very strong-minded, but it reminded me that I need to be sure I can exhibit the same behavior that I am asking of my six year old!
I enjoy knowing that I can still experience freedom and peace despite all the things that can rub you the wrong way during the day! You can too. Don’t let external forces dictate your feelings of happiness. Welcome things that push you out of your comfort zone and try to have a positive outlook despite how you feel or how others around you are acting. I promise it is rewarding in the end!
Written by Kayla Proffitt, Life Development Team at i360.
5 Ways to Slowly Destroy Your Own Marriage
A simple list…
1. Confronting your spouse like a honey badger. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this ferocious little booger, the honey badger rushes into battles with full beehives, deadly snakes, and other various gnarly animals. The honey badger only has one goal in mind: the kill… He doesn’t have any sense of timing, tact, or gentleness. And from time to time, we all go fearless honey badger style on our spouses!
“But Doug! I never get loud or aggressive with my spouse! I never yell at my mate,” you might be saying. While I love your enthusiasm you perfect little spouse, I’d bet a large sum of money that if I were to bunk up in your house for a few weeks, I could point out passive statements and actions that have the same devastating honey badger effects.
Maybe you start confrontations with Why questions, like “Why did you do this or that?” Maybe you use passive You statements. “You are so selfish. You just don’t listen to me.” Maybe when you are with other couples, you “joke” about your spouse’s flaws or say things at home like, “You forgot to do…again.” Or, perhaps you do what my wife and I do: you send messages to one another by talking through the dogs. “Oh Johan! Mommy is being a real jerk isn’t she?” Try bringing up grievances or annoyances by clearly stating what it is you want in a gentle manner…even if you’ve done it a thousand times before.
2. Worshiping your children. While you may never say your child is your god, your actions scream it out loud. When your date nights become scarce, you only spend time with couples who have children, and your weekends are jam packed with sports, recitals, and performances…you send the message to your kids, “You are more important than your mom or dad, and I would rather keep you entertained than develop my own friendships or marriage.”
You do your children a massive disservice by leading them to believe that they are the center of the universe…because no one else outside of your family thinks they are! Children who think they are the center of your world will have trouble forming friendships, yielding to authority, holding a job, and even adapting to marriage. Your children will unsuccessfully spend their entire lives searching for people who think they are as incredibly amazing as you told them they were. They may turn to unhealthy, codependent relationships or live unsatisfied lives full of continual disappointment from never being loved the way they “deserve” to be loved.
Not only does this parenting style alienate your children, but it alienates your spouse. A daughter once asked her wise father, “Daddy, if you were in a raft and me and mommy were drowning, who would you save?” The wise father instantly replied, “Honey, not only would I swim and save your mother first, but I would make sure she was completely dry and comfy before I came back for you.”
3. Avoiding sex talks. When sex becomes a routine A-B-C affair (I do A, you do B, and voila…we have C!), it’s time to talk about what’s getting in the way of sex being exciting, passionate and intense. Marital sex is an amazing gift. It gives us the opportunity to express our love in a physical way, connect deeply, and become vulnerable in the most intimate way possible.
We all fall into predictable routines, but it’s never OK to stay in a place of laziness and inactivity. Don’t ever buy into messages from magazines and TV shows that portray marital sex as boring, unexciting, and mundane. If your spouse and you both truly feel as though you are in the trenches, working together and connecting well outside the bedroom, then you will feel the same way inside the bedroom.
4. Choosing Facebook over your spouse. Are you tweeting, texting or on Facebook when you have a real live person in the same room? By doing so, you rob yourself of connecting with your spouse by living in digital worlds and TV shows with people who really, at the end of the day, don’t care much about you or know much about you. “Liking” or “sharing” someone’s narcissistic picture of the food they ate or the amazing place they’re “checked in” at doesn’t make them “friends.” Ditch the Facebook stalking and engage with your spouse. When is the last time you whipped out a board game, snagged some DQ Blizzards, or called up some friends for an impromptu hang out with your families? When is the last time you did something truly fun and impulsive with your spouse? If the two of you are spending your time with fake versions of real people on Facebook, you miss the real version of your real spouse in the here and now…
5. Having your emotional needs met by people other than your spouse. Very few of you will ever cheat on your spouses or even say anything inappropriate to the opposite sex. But, many of you will, at some point, miss out on valuable opportunities to connect with your spouse. Rather than turning toward your spouse and allowing them to remind you that you are beautiful and lovely in God’s eyes, you will turn to others to get the job done.
Do you find yourself putting on cologne, perfume, or a certain outfit on certain days and not others? Is there someone at work that seems to make you smile just a bit bigger? Do you find yourself mildly complaining about your spouse to a member of the opposite sex? Do you ever find yourself walking away from a conversation thinking, “That person really gets me!” or “He/she thinks I’m really funny!”
Or maybe it’s more subtle, like naturally gravitating towards certain people at church, school or work. While these interactions may seem purely innocent, always ask the question, “What am I getting from this conversation? What is this person feeding me?” While I’m not advocating that married men and women can’t have friends of the opposite sex, I do strongly advocate monitoring interactions to avoid the risk of obtaining self confidence and worth from others instead of looking towards your spouses.
Most of us have a deep seeded terror that we might not be lovable, worthy, acceptable, or “good enough.” We attempt to calm these doubtful voices by performing well at work, being good parents, drinking, exercising, or even, in this case, using others to validate ourselves.
Perhaps it feels more exciting or fulfilling in the moment. But there is nothing more fulfilling than returning home, looking deep into your spouse’s eyes, and knowing that no one else captivated your heart but them…even if you weren’t together. Move towards your spouse when they aren’t around by always pretending they are around…
If you are newly married, transitioning into a new life stage, or have been married a while but have fallen into unhealthy routines, please seek professional counseling. Counseling isn’t meant to always be a “check engine” light fix. Think of counseling more as routine maintenance. Just like an automobile, if you put the right things in your marriage, you get so much more out of it…
Written by Doug Chisholm, LPC
Addiction in the Family Business
Family Business Review
Drug abuse in any business is destructive and complicated, but in a family business, it is even more devastating. Alcohol and other drugs can be a family’s biggest competitor for profits and business longevity. And the problem is compounded because of the close personal relationships and the perceived stigma of admitting a problem within the family’s ranks.—Bork (1986a, p. 60)
Readers of Family Business Review are well aware of the prevalence of family enterprises around the world, but are they also aware of the prevalence of addiction in family enterprises? In our society, quietly in the background, reliance on addiction and drug abuse is widespread, pervasive, and common. Based on interviews with more than 43,000 adults in the United States, researchers at the National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (2009) reported that 3 in 10 drink at levels that put them at risk for alcoholism, liver disease, and other health and emotional problems. Thus, it is important to understand the silent growth of addiction and drug abuse in society, antecedent factors, and consequences for family enterprises.
This article discusses the available research on the prevalence of addiction in the United States, reports the findings of a study of the prevalence of addiction in one consulting practice, and calls for more research on this important topic.
Prevalence of Addiction
The impact of alcoholism and addiction in the United States is significant. The cost of excessive alcohol consumption in the United States came to $223.5 billion, according to a 2011 Centers for Disease Control study. The primary cost (72%) came in lost workplace productivity, followed by health care payments for problems caused by excessive drinking (11%), law enforcement and criminal justice expenses (9%), and cost of alcohol-related motor vehicle crashes (6%).
The 2010 National Survey on Drug Use and Health by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (2011) of the U.S. Department of Health reported that in the month prior to the survey, 58 million Americans aged 12 years and older or approximately 23% of the population older than 12 years participated in binge drinking (five or more drinks on a single occasion) and 23 million used illicit drugs.
Although the prevalence and impact of alcoholism and addiction on society at large and business are well known, there is little research to describe its impact on family enterprises. It is difficult to assume that family enterprises would entirely escape the damaging effects of alcoholism and/or addiction both in the family and business systems. However, more systematically derived evidence has been lacking, though some practitioners such as Bork (1986a, 1986b) and Kaye (1996) have written on the topic since the 1980s.
Based on their review of more than 2,200 family enterprise articles published between 1985 and 2010, James, Jennings, and Breitkreuz (2012) observe the increased dominance of research from business perspectives and the near disappearance of family perspectives, despite compelling arguments in favor of the need to better understand the “family” dimension of family enterprises.
Amid such trends, the neglect of research on addiction is not surprising. However, addiction and abuse have a significant impact on the survival of family enterprises. This article aims to raise awareness of the extent of prevalence of addiction and its impact on family enterprises, thereby encouraging research in this direction.
Causes of Addiction in Business Families
A host of issues related to the long-term sustenance of family enterprises, including succession, have long dominated both scholarly examination and practical application in family enterprises. A prominent concern has been how to maintain, in later generations of a family business, a level of commitment similar to that found in founding generations. Based on the authors’ perspectives, one of the factors implicated in lower quality management in later generations is addiction. One of the paradoxical findings of research into addiction is that it may be to a significant degree a consequence of family business success as well as a hindrance to the continued effective operation of a family enterprise.
Substance use and abuse have been found to be more prominent among youths of upper socioeconomic status than in youths from economically deprived, inner-city neighborhoods (Luthar, 2003). Among the likely explanations for this phenomenon, researchers have suggested that potential causes include pressures to achieve and isolation from parents. Luthar believes that children of high-achieving parents are subjected to higher expectations.
At the same time, specifically because of parental achievement and subsequent demands on parental time, children lack access to sufficient time with the parents. As a response to the combination of greater parental expectation and lower parental attention, she suggests children often turn to drugs and alcohol. Among business families, pressures to achieve and pressures on parenting time commonly coexist. In this way, the success of a family enterprise potentially breeds within itself the seeds of its later difficulties when it comes to transition and succession. When it comes to addiction, these seeds bear fruit in a particularly potent and poisonous fashion.
Consequences of Addiction in Family Business
Periodically, calls have been made to better understand the role of family in business from different perspectives. This has taken the form of a suggestion to include family effectiveness as a key variable in the study of business effectiveness (Dyer & Dyer, 2009). More broadly, commentators have requested articles that make substantial contributions to theories of family enterprise (Reay & Whetten, 2011). We propose that research examining the impact of addiction on family effectiveness and, in turn, business effectiveness responds to both of these appeals.
Addiction can be a powerful factor when it comes to the effectiveness of a family enterprise. Indeed, when addiction resides in the executive suite or among the key decision makers, it is often a definitive contributor to the ultimate failure of a firm. It is asserted here that addiction is unlikely to carry any positive benefits for the long-term effectiveness of a family firm.
The consequence of addiction behavior is often seen when communication breaks down. As Bork (1986b) noted, the presence of an addict acts to divert, shrink, and sever lines of communication among family members. This affects both family members who are active in the business as employees and those whose role is restricted to ownership. The situation is particularly difficult if the addict is the founder, patriarch/matriarch, or leader of the business. When a family firm member abuses alcohol or drugs, the power and influence of the family often protects or enables the individual by not allowing others to intervene and, in some cases, even denies the destructive effects on the individual, the family, and the workplace.
A family member in the business may attempt to address a family member’s addiction but may not have the power to establish meaningful consequences or require the individual to receive treatment. This scenario can negatively and persistently influence the overall culture of the company in a manner considerably worse than may be found in a publicly owned firm. In publicly owned firms, leaders are more likely to be chosen on merit than on family ties. Similarly, if poor choices and actions because of addiction harm the company’s culture, they are more likely to be removed. In some family enterprises where substance abuse is present, the entire family will collude and deny that the addiction is real, avoid talking about it, and protect abusers from consequences. This permits a culture-damaging leader to remain in a position of influence, leading to negative effects on corporate culture.
Preliminary Findings From One Consulting Practice
In an attempt to address this shortfall, one of the authors conducted a review of consulting engagements over a 17-year period from 1996 through 2012. The findings described in this article come from that study conducted by ReGENERATION Partners, a North American consulting practice focused on family enterprises. A total of 92 client families with whom the consulting firm had in-depth engagements lasting more than 6 months and included biweekly interactions were closely studied. Addiction had significantly affected 52 of these families (56%). A careful examination of the 92 cases reveals seven factors that had the greatest impact on the eventual outcome of the consulting engagement, suggesting areas for future research:
1. Family relationships, for example, a high level and/or long-term relationship conflict that greatly interferes with the consulting outcome (59 cases, 64%)
2. Emotional disorder, such as depression, bipolar, anxiety (56 cases; 61%)
3. Presence of addiction, either past or present (52 cases; 57%)
4. Financial strength, the ability to fund necessary change (37 cases; 40%)
5. Health of the key individuals, active major health worries such as cancer, transplant, or extended hospital care (24 cases; 26%)
6. Presence of alter ego, such as an individual who is not present in the family or business but attempts to direct the actions of someone within the family business system (19 cases; 21%)
7. Issues of aging, such as Alzheimer’s, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (ALS), and Parkinson’s (15 cases; 16%)
It is notable that many family business consultants are retained to work with a family where conflict is present. Thus, it is no surprise that relationship conflict was prevalent in most cases, followed closely by the identified emotional disorders. The high percentage of cases with addiction issues was a surprise. It was interesting to note that addiction was a culprit in 90% of consulting engagements that did not achieve the predetermined goals as it was a root cause of poor communication and trust issues within and among family members. This finding is supported by Kaye (1996), who reports discussions with three noted family business consultants with similar preponderances of addiction in their practices. However, numerous conversations with professional family business consultants indicate that few suspect the presence of addiction is as high as this study suggests, reinforcing the need for scholarly attention on addiction.
Call for Research
Alcohol and drug abuse and dependence affect a large number of individuals across a diverse socioeconomic demographic. When addictions are present, they have a dramatic and significant impact on families and employers. When viewed in a knowledgeable light, addictions can be approached and treated like a number of other issues. However, denial and lack of knowledge make treatment difficult. These obstacles affect not only families but also professional advisors.
Addiction among family enterprises is a prevalent and important issue that deserves attention both from scholars and advisors. Among the questions that future research could address are the following:
•Different forms of addiction and their relative potency and consequences
•The extent of addiction prevalent in enterprising families of different generations and regions
•The causes of addiction in family enterprises
•Moderating and mediating effects of family enterprises on addictive behavior among family members
•The effect of addiction on business performance and family functioning
•The effect of addiction on consulting effectiveness/ outcomes
•Available addiction treatments, their effectiveness, and their appropriateness for enterprising families
Acknowledgments
This article benefited greatly from the feedback provided by the Family Business Review editor Pramodita Sharma, associate editor Trish Reay, and assistant editor Karen Vinton.
Declaration of Conflicting Interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
References
Bork, D. (1986a, December). Drug abuse in the family business.
Nation’s Business, 74, 60.
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Bork, D. (1986b). Family business, risky business. New York,
NY: Amacom.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2011). Excessive drinking costs U.S. $223.5 billion. Retrieved from http:// www.cdc.gov/features/alcoholconsumption/
Dyer, W. G., Jr., & Dyer, W. J. (2009). Putting the family into family business research. Family Business Review, 22, 216-219.
James, A. E., Jennings, J. E., & Breitkreuz, R. S. (2012). Worlds apart? Rebridging the distance between family science and family business research. Family Business Review, 25, 87-108.
Kaye, K. (1996). When the family business is a sickness. Family Business Review, 9, 347-368.
Luthar, S. S. (2003). The culture of affluence: Psychological costs of material wealth. Child Development, 74, 1581-1593.
National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. (2009).
Rethinking drinking: Alcohol and your health (NIH Publication No. 09-3770). Bethesda, MD: Author.
Reay, T., & Whetten, D. A. (2011). What constitutes a theoretical contribution in family business? Family Business Review, 24, 105-110.
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. (2011). Results from the 2010 National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Summary of national findings (NSDUH Series H-41, HHS Publication No. SMA 11-4658). Rockville, MD: Author.
Author Biographies
James Olan Hutcheson is the founder and president of ReGENERATION Partners, a consulting group devoted exclusively to working with family firms. He is a Family Firm Institute Fellow and recipient of the Richard Beckhard Award.
Dennis Jaffe, PhD, is the founder of Dennis Jaffe Consulting and a professor at Saybrook University. He is a Family Firm Institute Fellow and recipient of the Richard Beckhard Award.
Kevin Gilliland, PsyD, is the founder and president of Innovation360®, a mental health treatment program based in Dallas, Texas.
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© The Author(s) 2013
Reprints and permissions: sagepub.com/journalsPermissions.nav
DOI: 10.1177/0894486513478871
fbr.sagepub.com
478871FBRXXX10.1177/08944865134788
71Family Business ReviewHutcheson et al.
1ReGENERATION Partners, Dallas, TX, USA
2Dennis Jaffe Consulting, San Francisco, CA, USA
3Saybrook University, San Francisco, CA, USA
4Innovation 360®, Dallas, TX, USA
Corresponding Author:
James Olan Hutcheson, ReGENERATION Partners, 3811 Turtle
Creek Boulevard, Suite 300, Dallas, TX 75219, USA.
Email: [email protected]
Addiction in the Family Enterprise
James Olan Hutcheson1, Dennis Jaffe2,3, and Kevin Gilliland4
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Marriage Killers: Are You Sabotaging Your Own Marriage?
Throughout the years, my wife and I have counseled many couples who have reported feeling lonely in their marriages, desperate and confused about how to break the vicious cycle of continuing to fight over and over about the same things. Contrary to popular belief on shows like Dr. Phil and various marriage seminars that rob you of your time and money, communication is NOT the key to a healthy marriage. It is a very small piece of a large and messy marriage pie. Unhealthy couples actually communicate very openly (and sometimes loudly) what they want, they just don’t understand how to get to the place they want to be. The following are 5 marriage killers. In other words, five dynamics that we have seen in our practices that spell disaster for all couples. It makes no difference whether or not you are christian or Buddhist, vegetarian or carnivore, republican or democrat. These habits are extremely destructive to relationships. Ask yourself the following questions. And if you are really adventurous, ask the people that know you best how they think you are doing in these areas. I dare you.
1. Are you moving towards your spouse when they ARE NOT around? This is more important than gifts, “love” languages, boundaries, date nights, sweet notes or house work. Ask yourself the following questions: Husbands-where is your heart when your team’s cheerleaders or dancers pop on the screen? Where is your heart when you are alone in front of your computer when no one else is around? Where are your eyes wandering at the gym? Where is your mind as you walk through the magazine section at the store? Wives-do you pollute your minds with images from movies like Magic Mike and books like Fifty Shades of Grey? Do you find yourself dressing in certain ways in certain places to get the attention of men? Are you using conversations with male coworkers or male friends to fulfill some need to feel wanted, pursued and special that you should be looking for from your husband?
All of these subtle instances provide opportunities to move toward your spouse or away from your spouse. Guard your heart and always ask “What need is being fulfilled in this interaction?” or “Is my heart…in this moment…connecting with my spouse’s heart, or is it disconnecting from my spouse’s heart?” “What are my true intentions?” Emotional affairs, or having your intimate, emotional needs met from others outside of your spouse, don’t happen suddenly overnight. Affairs simmer slowly and they start by allowing your heart to wander when your spouse is not around.
Are you guilty of The Four Horsemen? The Four Horsemen were created by Dr. John Gottman, who can predict with 90% accuracy within 10 minutes whether or not a marriage will end in the next 7 years. The following four high predictors of divorce are common ways in which we unknowingly wound our spouses.
2. Criticism: Unhealthy criticism is communicated by escalating words, or words that escalate the intensity of an argument to a place that is neither productive nor helpful. Escalators include “you,” “always” and “never” phrases like “YOU are so selfish!” “You NEVER take out the trash!” “But you ALWAYS watch the game on Sundays!” Our spouses immediately become defensive when hearing these words. It is a natural response to defend ourselves when we hear these phrases.
Another way we escalate disagreements is by using character assassination. This means attacking the person rather than the action. Instead of saying “I can’t believe you lied to me!” we attack the very core of our spouse’s soul when we say “You are a liar!” Saying “You aren’t acting like yourself. You are acting like a jerk.” is preferable to “You’re a jerk!” Address the action, not the character of your spouse.
3. Contempt: Contempt is any verbal or non verbal action that might communicate that you are utterly annoyed and disgusted by your spouse. Non verbals are just as hurtful as verbals, such as eye rolling, long, heavy sighs, under-the-breath mutterings, head shaking, fist clenching, teeth grinding, and smirking. The scary part is that most of us have no idea that we are doing these things, but our spouses either consciously or unconsciously notice them and internalize that contempt.
Verbal contempt is outright name calling, vicious put downs and, more subtly, making public jabs at your spouse while around others. An example would be, during a cooking conversation with friends, a husband saying, “Cook! Ha! I’ll never see my wife in the kitchen with a pot or pan!” These comments can be said in a joking manner with laughter, but they cut deep.
4. Defensiveness: This is most commonly done by cross complaining. When your spouse expresses a valid complaint against you in a respectful way, saying “You don’t like it when I do that? Well…what about when you do _______!” or “That bothers you! But you do that all the time!” These are attempts at deflecting blame and responsibility.
This also happens by one spouse trying to prove the other spouse wrong or that their feelings are invalid. Rather than defending your actions, sit with your spouse and their feelings. Validate that their feelings feel very real and powerful. There is no need to immediately defend your innocence and clear your name. There are many times when our spouses just need to be heard.
Listen to your spouse and meet them where they are. And then, if you have a problem with something your spouse does, bring it up when it happens, instead of waiting until a disagreement occurs later on to bring out your list of grievances. Defensiveness will discourage your spouse from ever wanting to share their feelings with you and will push you very far apart.
5. Stonewalling: Stonewalling is any way in which you ignore or disengage from your partner when a problem needs to be addressed. In men, we commonly see physical shut down. This means during a disagreement, a husband looking down at the ground with little or no eye contact, not speaking much at all, or simply saying “OK” to everything. Husbands also frequently retreat to another room or say “I can’t talk about this right now.”
In women, we typically see stonewalling manifested by withholding sex when they are upset about something as a punishment. Intentionally withholding intimacy trains husbands to not voice their concerns or feelings for fear they won’t be able to sexually engage. When husbands feel afraid to voice concerns, they feel powerless and commonly turn to pornography, which helps them feel in control and powerful, further distancing them from their wives.
Guilty of any of these? If so, we recommend seeking professional help from a licensed mental health professional to work on new ways of relating to one another and strengthening your marriage.
Written by Doug Chisholm, LPC